its a sacrifice - is it worth it?

Another great visit with Mathew... it reminded me a lot of watching my kids 'firsts'. You know that feeling when you hear them say something amazing and kind of pause and replay it over and over in your head. But for Mathew, they aren't his firsts...they are the 'little miracles'. He'll be zoning out and all of the sudden 'awaken' and have a little conversation with inflection and excitement in his voice. Everyone around is aware how special his words and actions are...
With him more interactive, I found it harder when I left. For some reason, when he was a bit unresponsive it was easier to understand ... but with him talking and active and cute and funny it's soo much harder. It's unbearable to think of what the future holds. So, I don't think about it until I'm on the way home.

While there, I school Mathew, I encourage him to paint, talk, create. This visit I took a 'deco-plate' kit. He had a plain white plate and 6 markers to create his own plate. You know what he drew... a rainbow to remind me of God's Promise. Thank you God.

I will go back, even as it gets harder. I am welcomed and wanted there. I pray non-stop to say and do the right thing. But after this visit, more than ever, I see the 'cost' for my family and friends. Forgotten promises, shallow conversations because I am not able to talk more, solemn mood, lack of patience with my kids, housework piling up, strains and stresses in catching up. Being so close with such sorrow is numbing and honestly puts me in a funk.

Knowing that God has me in Mathew's life for such a time as this, I need to call on Him not only working with Mathew, but also to help me in the transition back into 'reality'. As always, just by asking, God will fill me with His Holy Spirit to glorify Him. I need to lean on Him all the time. Through Him, I will be the wife, mother and friend He wants me to be. Is the sacrifice worth it? It's not a sacrifice, its another lesson God wants me to learn about Him.

To my friends and family I have 'checked out' on... I am sorry. By His mighty power, I will do better.